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21 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Lucy
    Sep 29, 2011 @ 14:09:31

    I recognize all these characteristics in my husband – what I don’t see is how to handle / manage it. Divorce is not an option at this point in time. Thanks


  2. Jennifer
    Jul 20, 2012 @ 21:56:37

    Hello, I am glad to have found your site. I hope you don’t mind me sharing on here…would love to get opinions from anyone. I am 28 and have been married to my husband for almost 9 years. We have 2 children together, ages 6 and 8. I don’t know that I have ever truly loved my husband, but I wanted to be a family because I got pregnant when I was only 19. He was a great boyfriend, but after getting married, things just changed with him. I am finally starting to question if it is verbal abuse, and have been talking to my mom about it, who has encouraged me to seek counseling at our local Women’s Center (awaiting a call back from them).

    I feel that I have always been a pretty good wife and mother. No, I’m not the best cook, and with two rambunctious kids, working part time and running a non-profit organization, the house is not always the cleanest. But I’m a good, christian woman who spends a lot of time with her kids and tries hard for her family.

    He started calling me “jerk” and “scum of the earth” and other names for literally no reason about 6 years ago. I got tired of how he treated me and was ready to leave. My family encouraged me to stay, and he cried a river, so I changed my mind.

    We had another baby that was very sick in the womb and died shortly after birth. We actually got along pretty good for a couple of years. But it’s been back for a while now. And he’s worse when he drinks. He cusses at me, makes things up, calls me names, and often denies he ever said some of it.

    A few weeks ago I had to leave and stay at my parents house at midnight because he was saying very mean things and was following me around the house not leaving me alone. Then he tried to say that I was the one who wouldn’t leave him alone!

    Last night, I was up late on the computer getting some work done. He told me if I wanted to make some real money that I should be a whore. He called me dense, and said something very weird that I can’t even fully remember about sh*tting on my face.

    I told him I was going to talk to my mom about the way he talks to me. He came back and was all upset…I told him I wasn’t serious (though I was), otherwise he would not leave me alone all night. He came over and shut my computer and unplugged it, and tried to take my cell phone.

    I am so over it. CAN they change? If they do, how long does it actually last for? He kept apologizing over and over again, saying he had a sick sense of humor. He demanded that I hold him while he go to sleep last night. I told him I did not want to. Again, he will yell at me and keep me up all night if I don’t do what he says, so I did. Didn’t get to sleep until 3 am because I was so sick with the things he had said.

    He refers to me as “woman” and tells me to “obey” him. And he says the Bible says I need to submit to him on a regular basis (he doesn’t read the Bible or go to church with us.)

    I am afraid of leaving him mostly because I think he will put junk into the kids minds when he has them on visitation….he will ask the kids what I do and who I’m with, and tell them false things about me. Please help…


  3. Me
    Feb 18, 2013 @ 03:49:24

    I truly have read a lot of articles about verbal abuse and I must say yours is in such true form for my situation in every aspect of every scenario or type of verbal abuse. My abuse however unfortunately has other factors to add to the equation which is where I would love to hear your opinion or suggestions to help me heal as well as my soon to be x husband. I am very conflicted in regards to adding to the full circle of abuse that I have endured many times over in my relentlessness quest to wait for him to change and having have solved the problem “ROOT” of the choice to break the cycle he carried on via his mother. Years later, after nothing but things turning into tolerable and easily dismissed I finally became numb to my own demise as a rescuer..Towards the last couple of years the abuse turned physical and his timing so unpredictable or explainable, I found myself being Bi-Polar with MDD as well as unable to cope,or show or feel any emotions in my relationship or with my children. Lastly in our marriage the final year with a hostile work environment. I was being discriminated against as well as harassed and falsely accused of things now at my safe place “work” as well as home. With all being to much I attempted to over dose to escape my reality. As I have learned with all hardships, pain and suffering comes blessings in disguises. I sought outpatient care which brought a trigger on my recovery and healing to see the truth. I also was a Victim of Domestic Abuse and had been for 24 years. I suddenly realized my own detaching before my awakening to my reality which is when I discovered what I already knew my husband had been wounded as a child. Little did I realize he had Borderline personality Disorder as well as being abusive. I do not know what is real or manipulated for control and his being pleased to hurt me or just unable to control his emotions to the point of madness harming me and threatening my life. He is now sabotaging my relationships, falsely accusing me of ill eagle activity and turning me into the problem, his addiction to porn getting him fired maybe of a career of 20 years then passing all blame to me for the marriage ending and finally his being addicted to drugs, sex and a victim of his own doing. I am preparing to file for divorce and the children are with me. He has threatened my life as well as my family members that are willing to hold him accountable. Is he or will he be capable of killing me or himself?


  4. Natasha
    Mar 03, 2013 @ 01:05:16

    How do I contact you. I am in a verbally abusive situation I’m so embarrassed to even tell my family. I talked to some friends who can’t believe I got myself into such a mess and have isanced themselves from me. I’m getting so tired I feel like I’m going to lose it somehow.


    • married2mrmean
      Mar 03, 2013 @ 20:10:45

      My email address is although I am not a professional counsellor, I am just someone who lived through this. I suggest contacting a woman’s shelter or neighbourhood centre in your area.


  5. Mikela White
    Jul 15, 2013 @ 00:24:31

    Ladies Listen: My lovely daughter married into a family 12 years ago that has
    three generations of alcoholic husbands. She had no idea of this lifestyle until
    she stayed home to raise their two children. Being a home things changed!!
    And HOW…verbal abuse nightly at the dinner table and on into the evening.
    Insults about her family members. Hostility about going to her family gatherings,
    refusing to have birthday parties for the children, not wanting her mother to
    babysit, monitoring the use of electricity, barely celebrating Christmas, birthdays,
    upsets over any moneys spent on presents and constant dissatisfaction about
    politics and taxes. She works part-time and it is not working out. His criticism
    never ends. She is giving up her job. As her mother, I am heartbroken for
    her and my precious grandchildren. He has been relentless in verbal abuse
    and she is exhausted, depressed and barely able to sleep. She has changed
    into a critical, controlling and fearful young women….full of anger. Don’t let
    this happen to you. Think twice before you marry into an alcoholic family!!
    A concerned mom.


  6. kj
    Jul 17, 2013 @ 11:03:11

    hi , im 26 rs old , married to mr.mean for almost 2 years,live in with him for about 4 yrs , and now we had a kid but still its only now that i realized im living with an abusive partner..i cant really rule out if he is verbally abusive , he seems fine most of the time but whenever i commit minor mistakes and trivial matters ,which i admit is entirely my fault , he gets to be verbally abusive even after i say im sorry! i dont know what to do.i dont want my kid to experience what i he really abusive?or is it my fault i tend to be “clumsy” or in his words “stupid ” at times?


  7. jayja
    Sep 07, 2013 @ 21:42:53

    Hello, I would like to add to your site. I have been in recovery for almost four years. from a Sociopath friend and co-worker. He is Mr. mean and a con man. I was working for a company and became a friend with a manager. I believe he new everything about himself and how to turn life around for himself. This was a con that when on for ten years. He read this con from a book called games people play. ( eric bern) This part is hard to explain, unless you read a lot about sociopaths. What he did is pass his old behavior and opinions onto me while trying to takes mine. In a way, trying to change his life to something he saw better. He Lied, tricked, cheated, stole, verbal abusive. This happen slow over the years so I really didn’t see. I was close with him family, holydays, birthdays. I was there when his children were born. He really had me feel as a part of his family. I had full trust in him. But he really was doing horrible things behind my back. At the end of ten years, I was left with nothing. He had a co-worker push me out. I was left with out money, I lost my home and had know way of getting employment. I did not know what a sociopath was until a year after the whole matter. Over this years I have been learning a lot. The damage he did cant be fixed, because of the ten years was just a waste to me but gain for him. I could go on but enough for now. I feel for all here. I never knew life could end like it has.


  8. Margo
    Nov 27, 2013 @ 05:55:20

    My husband tells me , I don’t want to hear your bullshit, I have heart deasease and I have 6 sons 4 are 18 – 12 We are under this demons torment of him calling me a bitch . My two son that are my eldest . This really upsets me he needs to stop . I see him as the Scott Peterson . I feel my life is in danger and he is evil . Help me please
    From this repeated abuse from my husband . He calls my falily bitch behid their back and says for me to get out !!!! His father did this to his mother.


  9. Margo
    Nov 27, 2013 @ 06:05:05

    Please contact me please !!!!!!


  10. suzanne
    Dec 08, 2013 @ 19:17:52

    Every quality named in this article kiving with mrmean is exactly how erik my soon to be ex husband acts. I coukd never figure it out because sometimes its so subtle. Do you offer phone couceling or reccomend anything? We are in a very ugly divorce and our preciouse 2 year old is caught in tge middle. Im s wreck!!!!


    • married2mrmean
      Dec 08, 2013 @ 20:56:41

      I am not a counsellor, sorry – I recommend the books by Patricia Evans, they helped me a lot.


  11. Angela Pocius
    Jan 20, 2014 @ 02:41:00

    I did a search on ‘Gaslighting’. No results. It is a common yet not much talked about form of mental abuse. Why is it not included?


    • married2mrmean
      Jan 20, 2014 @ 03:24:16

      I’m not a professional Angela, I started writing my blog to keep a record of what was happening to me- at the time I started this blog I actually had never heard the term myself. I don’t think Patricia Evans actually uses the term either although many of the gaslighting techniques fall under her characteristics of verbal abuse. I hope you found some of my writing beneficial 🙂


  12. Sofia
    Mar 03, 2014 @ 19:08:46

    Thanks for your blog. I´m too are married to a man – with two faces, the good one and the evil one. It´s devastating for me. We have been married for almost 19 yrs, he tells me every day how much he loves me, how sexy I am and so on, but I don´t feel he really does. And in next second he yells at me, call me names, doesn´t let me have another point of view than his (if so he get angry). But many of our friends sees him as a nice guy who loves me so much… But now I´ve come to the point I want to get at divorce, but I don´t know how to do, what to say and so on.

    I will continue to follow your blog. Thanks for sharing.
    And excuse for my writing and spelling. English is not my first language.


  13. Wayne Veevers
    Jan 08, 2015 @ 08:36:17

    How do I apologise, whatever I say, I will fall under some category, I’ll be defending my actions, or I’ll be trying to clean dirt of myself. I can’t explain the reasons I felt the way I did, why I treated you mean, I’ll just be doing what I’ve been accused of doing, turning everything around, I’ll be trying to become the victim somehow, am I doing it now, ? you didn’t deserve any negativity that I gave, I am truly sorry.


  14. Elisa
    Jan 19, 2015 @ 00:13:06

    Like your blog. I can relate.


  15. Elisa
    Jan 19, 2015 @ 00:15:28

    Maybe 90% men are like this…I know many women and we all complain about the same thing.


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