Five Years On…..

It’s been five years since Mr Mean was escorted onto a plane and flown back to England, owing the Australian government enough money to ensure he wouldn’t be returning for a very long time.

I have been in what I would class as a “normal” relationship for three years and there are some notable differences in my life now. I thought by sharing, I could possibly encourage some of you in your journey.

There was light at the end of the tunnel for me once I started making better choices. I had to do a lot of inner healing- it sounds airy fairy, time-consuming and complocated but it was quite simple.

My healing truly began when I made a promise to myself that I would no longer sacrifice my happiness for someone else’s.

I pictured myself as a little girl, looked at some photos to get a clear picture of myself back then and then I spoke to that child and asked her to forgive me. I promised that child that from then on, I would only make decisions that benefited someone else, if they also benefitted me first.

I refused to be miserable ever again in order for someone else to be happy.

If someone needs me to be weak, powerless, miserable and isolated from family and friends in order to be with me and love me, I do NOT want to be with that person. I don’t need that kind of love. (Except we know it isn’t love, it’s all about control).

I would rather be alone than be with someone who rejoices in my failure and humiliation. Loving partners are supposed to encourage their partners and rejoice and celebrate with them when they succeed.

Humiliating someone is NOT loving them.

In my relationship now, I no longer walk on egg shells. I no longer have that tight knot in my stomach when his car drives up the driveway, I no longer cringe every time I need to ask him a question, I no longer feel unappreciated and taken for granted and most importantly, I no longer feel that I don’t matter to my partner.

We have arguments, we yell and sometimes we even say horrible things to one another. But the difference is, it’s over soon, apologies are made and it’s not re-hashed a million times over with no resolution, ever. Mr Mean only ever accepted an apology temporarily, until the next time, when he would add that one to the many, many other incidents he stored in his brain to throw at me when he was angry.

One thing that took a long time to come to terms with, was that Mr Mean purposefully did things to annoy me or upset me. I used to make excuses for him- maybe he didn’t hear me, maybe he didn’t understand me, maybe he is depressed, maybe he has ADHD.

But really, he was just a jerk.
One situation that sticks out, mainly because now it seems so bizarre, was the situation of the washing.

Mr Mean would hang out the washing for me on occasion, he said he enjoyed doing it. Except he would never use clothes pegs for my clothes. He would just hang them over the line. I would go out later to find my clothes in the dirt. I would beg him to use pegs, I would show him the clothes, explain that they were getting dirty. He would listen intently, nod his head, say he understood, promise not to do it again and then I would watch him doing it again.

After about three or four times of this I thought to myself “Hang on, this is my husband I am talking to, not my child.”
It seemed so bizarre to me even then and now, is quite ridiculous.
He wanted to piss me off, plain and simple.
It was only when I saw him hanging HIS clothes with pegs that it truly sank in.

And that is the one major difference with my relationship now. My partner doesn’t run away for hours until I am sick with worry and calling the police- he doesn’t do things purposefully to upset me. He doesn’t enjoy seeing me frazzled and uptight, he does whatever he can to minimise my stress and enjoys seeing me happy. We laugh a lot, he makes me laugh because it makes him happy.

He wants the best for me and vice versa, and that’s the difference.