Moving On….

I firmly believe that nothing new can come into your life, until you make room for it. When we get complacent and settle down, things seem to slow down. Well, I had ground to a complete halt. Something really drastic had to happen.

Through an almost unbelievable set of circumstances, I was offered a job with the newspaper in Mt Isa. It has meant sorting through my entire life and deciding what to keep, and what to give away. It is tough but so cathartic. I have a huge sense of leaving the past behind and moving forward. The act of cleaning out the house is a physical manifestation of what is happening inside me.

I am making room on the inside for new experiences, new challenges and new adventures.

I realised last week that I have been holding onto things, not because I actually need them or like them, but because they cost me something and because of that, have a certain perceived value.

I got a very clear analogy of my relationships with Mr Mean and AJH. I hung onto the relationships long after I knew there was something desperately wrong, because each relationship cost me in a different way and as such, I saw it as something valuable and worth fighting for. So I stayed because I had invested so much of myself into it. As a result, I lost a lot of money and a lot of me was almost destroyed.

Now I have the opportunity to start again. I realise that not many people get a chance like this, and I am extremely grateful.

Letter to Woman’s Weekly

This letter is being published in the February Woman’s Weekly. I had a lot of help perfecting it, thank you Diana and Rebecca.

Thank you so much for printing the story about myself, Diana and Rebecca and our struggle to stop a conman.

We have been contacted by several women who have been victims of conmen. We are astounded at the response and had no idea that there were so many women struggling with similar issues.  If we can help, and something positive can come from our experience, then what we went through was not for nothing.

There are a few resources available to victims. If they visit their GP, they are entitled to up to twelve free sessions with a psychiatrist. Counselling has been crucial to my healing process and I would encourage others to seek help. There is also a very good website, http://www.lovefraud.com/ which is full of information about healing and recovery after being conned. The book “Without Conscience” by Dr Robert Hare is brilliant.

We have set up a blog at http://conneddownunder.blogspot.com/ and a Facebook group, where victims can support one another in a safe environment. Sometimes just hearing the words “I understand” can make all the difference.

Thank you once again,

Rochelle Fisher

 

 

Now it makes complete sense…almost….

I have been reading Lovefraud for a while now, and it is an incredibly helpful website. Today I read this:

A love bond is created by pleasure, and during the seduction phase of the relationship, the sociopath generates extreme pleasure for the target. However, addiction research has discovered that although pleasure is required to form a bond, pleasure is not required to maintain it. Even when a relationship starts to get rocky, normal people still feel bonded. Again, this is Nature’s way of keeping people together. If parents split up at the first sign of trouble, the survival of children would be in doubt.

Sooner or later, of course, relationships with sociopaths get rocky. Perhaps the sociopath engages in cheating, stealing or abuse. The sociopath’s actions create fear and anxiety in the target. But instead of driving the target away from the sociopath, anxiety and fear actually strengthen the psychological love bond.

So what do the targets do? They turn to the sociopaths for relief. The sociopaths may apologize profusely and promise to change their hurtful ways, reassuring the targets. The targets, feeling bonded to the sociopaths, want to believe the reassurances, so they do. Then the two people have sex, which reinforces the bond again.

From the target’s point of view, the relationship becomes a vicious circle of bonding, anxiety, fear, relief, sex and further bonding. The longer it goes on, the harder it is for the target to escape.

The result: For the target, the love bond becomes an addiction.

Scary stuff, although it explains a lot for me.  Thank you Love Fraud!

For a long time I could not understand why the break-up with Andrew was harder to deal with than any other break-up. Even after I knew and really faced the truth about him, there were things about him I missed.

Of course, that is exactly how he planned it.