The letter

This was a post I wrote in November, 2008, not sure why I didn’t end up posting it on the blog. Possibly at the time I felt it was too personal, but I decided to share it now. I have a feeling someone needs to read it.

*******************************************************************

10 november 2008

Last night he was as sweet as pie but said it would be best if he stays in the spare room. This morning i woke up angry…sooooo angry…..so I wrote him a letter. I thought I may as well share parts of it since I am feeling brave!

I gave him two options, of leaving, and working out a three month plan to get the bills paid off and for me to find another place. The other option was to stay and work it ot and in order for me to get to the place to be able to do that I gave him some conditions.

Two days ago you told me that you did not want to be married to me, you told me that you didn’t love me….you said a lot of really hurtful things in some very angry tones.

And I can’t just shake this off and move on and act like we are friends again, because no friend of mine would ever treat me like this a second or third or fourth time. They would do it once and I would forgive and the second time- that would be it.

You can’t live in a world of no consequences. Nobody else has that priviledge. Other people don’t go around calling people names and saying whatever nasty thing comes into their mouths with no censorship. You have given yourself permission to have absolutely no boundaries when it comes to me, because you just expect that life will go back to normal, because it always has in the past.

I can’t let it slide again this time. You told me that you want our marriage to be over, and that you want to move on.

(I went into what will happen if he decided to elave and that involved a lot of personal stuff about bills and finances that I didn’t feel the world needs to know lol)

However:

If you truly want to be with me and make our marriage work and have the happy, fun, peaceful days that we have had a lot of in the past, then I need some commitments from you.

*I need you to commit to going to councelling to talk to someone.

*I need you to do something to work on your anger management, because even though you may not think you have a problem, it is constantly there under the surface. And I am sorry to tell you but I think it gets worse when you drink. You will be a happier person for it, I promise you. I don’t think you love yourself when you are angry and freaking out, because I think even you don’t know how to control yourself sometimes and I think it scares you. Anger management will help you get in control of you, and once you are in control of yourself you wont feel the desperate need to control everything else around you.

*I need you to understand that when you say you don’t love me, or you say you don’t want to be married to me, I believe you. I take it seriously and it hurts me. You cannot throw our marriage around like a toy everytime you are angry and throw a tantrum. You can’t threaten me with leaving, you can’t use hurtful things that come into your head against me- you HAVE to teach yourself that you can’t just say whatever you want, when you want, just because YOU are angry. Words have consequences and you have to learn this, because you were never taught it as a child.

* I need a heartfelt written apology from you telling me how you have hurt me and why I should forgive you. I need this to know that you get it and you aren’t just saying what I need you to hear to get what you want.

*I need you to take back what you said when you said I don’t love you. You know that is not true, I would not put up with your rubbish if I didn’t love you. History has proved that. I never stayed with anyone out of obligation believe me.

We will see what happens…….

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As we now know, none of that happened.

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