Christmas and Beyond

I have never run away from anything in my life, not that I can remember anyway. I have always been one to face adversity head-on and deal with it the best I can.

I was really worried that I was running away, when I decided to take a trip to Brisbane over Christmas. It turns out that sometimes when we think we are running away from something, we are actually running towards something else. I ran toward myself at high speed and in the process, learnt even more about me than I already knew. And I was pretty self-aware to start with.

I have had the most wonderful time. I have been spoilt rotten by friends, have had LOTS of time to review my situation and confirm that I have made the best decision of my life my moving on. I really have been over the marriage for at least 6 months, and it feels like I am a new person. I am so much calmer, much happier and there may even be a little bit of romance on the horizon *winks*. YES…slowly…I hear you all echo in my head!

I am SO excited about 2009, I ahve some wonderful new ideas for my business, and my life in general.

Have a wonderful New Year everyone, I will be at a private party watching the fireworks on the Brisbane River. It really doesn’t get much better than that!

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Now to move on……

He is still in the house, which makes things difficult to say the least.  

I had been really patient, and even kind to a point, but the other night I lost the plot completely. He had registered on a dating site, which was fine by me- the sooner he starts getting out of the house, the sooner he is out of my hair. He asked me if he could use my credit card to register, as he needed to register to contact people. It was $25,  which  thought was a small price for some peace. Anyway, he used the card, and because he had used it, I was unable to place an order I needed to place, but even that was ok. But THEN, he came in and told me he had registered, started chatting to one girl, realised he had nothing to offer her, so deleted his account. 

I just lost the plot. He has wasted so much money, lost things, broken things, racked up bills…and this was the last straw. I screamed, I ranted like a banshee to the point where I thought if i had had a weapon in my hand I might have done him a serious injury. It was horrible, and made me realise that NO amount of money in the world is worth my mental health (what’s left of it!).

Anyway, he ended up almost hitting me, calling me the foulest names ever, told me I have not done anything for him and he doesn’t owe me anything, threatening suicide and then lay on the floor sobbing like a baby. I looked at him lying there and realised its at THAT point that I always take him back, but not this time. I felt absolutely not one bit of wifely love for him, it was so odd. 

So the next day he went to see the doctor, who sent him to hospital for a psych analysis. Turns out he is depressed…well DUH! Anyway, that night he went out to get something to eat and stayed out all night. In my car. I had the police around at 3am looking for a suicide note, it was horrible! And in he waltzed the next morning at around 8am, after supposedly spending the night at an old co-worker’s place. He said he thought I would be happy that he had a friend.  Didn’t understand why I was so upset.

I have accepted that the money is gone, and now I just want him out of  the house and my life.  I spoke to my Mom about it the other night as well and my family have given me their blessing to move on, whch I really needed because the thought of another divorce is not something you like to brag about really, no matter who is at fault.

I have put adverts out for the room to rent, and I plan to have two people staying here. I am really looking forward to, it will be a HUGE change in my life but I am ready for some FUN! But in the meantime he says he is moving out this weekend.

I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so proud of myself.

He told me once too often that he did not want to be married to me, and the last time I thought…

“You know what?  I don’t actually want to be married to you either.” 
 He told me to go and find someone else, so I said

“WOOHOOO about bloody time!”

I registered myself on a dating site the next week, just to see what would happen. It turns out I am quite a catch and I was inundated with messages. I went on one date and that was enough for me to know that I do not feel like Mr Mean’s wife anymore. I did not feel one pang of guilt, I felt like a free person living with the most impossible house-mate ever! I have now removed myself from the dating site until I am more ready. 

He has to stay here for a couple of months at least, while we get the finances sorted out. I have absolutely moved on though, I have taken off my ring, I am telling people we are over and I will be going away to friends in Brisbane for Christmas. (I figure the debt collectors won’t come looking for me until after Christmas LOL!) I have not felt like his wife for months and the relief now at not having to fake wifely feelings, is immense!

I was sent the most amazing book by email, from a friend who is also going through a seperation. The book has helped me so much in this situation, if anyone is interested pop me a line. It had a bit in there about partners with low self-esteem. What happens is they are attracted to someone who is everything they are not.  The relationship grows and he  (or she) is happy at first. As things progress and the relationship grows stronger, he starts to question why you love him.  Because he perceives himself as unloveable, he starts to wonder what is wrong with YOU for loving him. There is something wrong with him, so there must be something wrong with you in order for you to love him. So then he starts to find out what is wrong, looking for faults until everything falls apart.

It is in those times that I am living my own life, being supposedly mean to him, that he wants me the most, he admitted that to me the other night. So in order for me to stay married to him, I have to shut down a part of myself and pretend to be something I am not. I have to act callous and cold to him if I want him to stay interested in me. I decided I did not want to compromise myself one more second for him.

And I won’t ever allow a man to change my personality ever again.

Have a Merry Christmas everyone! And really, thank you all so much for your support. If I did not have this blog I don’t think I would have moved on this fast but everyone was telling me the same thing, and I had to listen. So thank you thank you thank you, I wake up every day now dancing on the inside.

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh and by the way- he was on the pills for 10 days and has not been back to the doctor since. However, he has registered himself on lavalife dating site, I guess a new relationship will fix everything for him! I am happy he has done it, if he starts dating at least he will get out of the house more.