And then there was peace……..

Yesterday he woke up, as if nothing had happened.

You could almost swear that a new man moved in overnight. He called me all his little pet names for me, tried to act as sweet as pie and did everything he could to be a model husband…everything that is, except apologise for telling me to Shut my Mouth, F&*! Off and Get F&%$!d. None of the cups of tea in the world can erase the fact that he snaps at me for no reason whenever he wants to.

Washing the dishes is not the same as an apology, doing nice things is not an admission of guilt.
Saying something like:

“I did the wrong thing, I acted in a very immature way and I am really sorry…what can I do to make it up to you?”

THAT is an apology. I don’t think Ihave ever got one like that from him. Usually, if I point out a problem, I get attacked for pointing out the problem and making him feel bad, and the problem never gets dealt with.

Someone commented that he is an anger addict and I totally agree. The anger builds and builds and after a few days or weeks, depending on the external pressure, he HAS to let it out. When he is calm and in a peaceful place he admits that he has nothing to be angry about, he admits that he doesn’t handle things properly, he knows that it is his attitude and actions that shape the atmosphere in the house- but when it comes to the crunch, when he feels himself about to lolse it, he does nothing to stop himself. So no matter what he says, he always gives in to the anger.

You don’t learn anything about a person’s character when things are going well for them. Anyone can be happy and pleasant and hold it together when things are going their way. Everyone is pleasant when things are exactly the way they want. But when things go a bit awry, that is when you truly learn about someone’s character. When things go wrong, can they make the necessary adjustments to their plans and schedule with falling apart, without snapping, without raising their voice. If they can’t then nothing they do during the good times should matter, you are who you are when times are difficult.”

And yet he loses his cool, snaps and freaks out, stomps around, huffs and puffs and then as soon as he has it out of his system he feels somehow released. And then because he has forgotten it, I have to forget it too. Just because he does not want to be reminded of it, I have to get over it. If I bring it up- I am making mountains out of molehills.

But every time yesterday he called me one of his pet names, I heard him yelling at me to shut my mouth. It’s almost like he is wearing a mask over his real face and I am starting to see that it is JUST a mask.

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Val
    Nov 05, 2008 @ 09:05:47

    I feel like you are married to my husband. So how do we go about changing this behaviour. I have tried standing up to him. Speaking to him about it when he is calm all to no avail it just carries on. It is like have a three year old having tantrums. Even my kids never behaved like this. I am at my wits end not.

    Reply

  2. married2mrmean
    Nov 05, 2008 @ 09:12:49

    I don’t think we can change his behaviour,nor should we feel it is our job to change him but we can change how we allow it to affect us. And whether we stick around and let it happen I guess……in the meantime feel free to come and vent here, and my hope is that in the future we can develop some sort of online support system.
    *hugs*
    Mrs Nice

    Reply

  3. shivers
    Nov 05, 2008 @ 12:56:37

    Yep, it is just that – a mask. When newspapers report ‘but there was an ugly side to him’, I question that. I critically analyse it and wonder to myself, well, perhaps the ugly side is the REAL part. It’s the pleasant bit he shows that should be called a ‘side’, or as mentioned here, a mask.

    Val, you can’t change them. It’s not up to you. If you’ve asked or even demanded that he change his tone of voice or to stop swearing at you and he doesn’t, then you can officially label that ‘abuse’. If you asked and he stopped doing it, then there’d be no problem, but if they don’t, then nothing in the world that YOU can do will stop it. There’s a great book by Patricia Evans called, The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change? A Woman’s guide to whether she should stay or go. It’s brilliant, it has a complete plan for the man that if he wishes to change, he can do. If he doesn’t wish to do it, or even read the book, then you have your answer. Either stay and put up with it, and watch it escalate, or leave, or better still, tell him to get lost.

    Reply

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