The thing about verbal abuse……

*You can go for weeks thinking it has been fixed.

*You can go for weeks thinking everything is ok.

*You can even persuade yourself that you imagined how bad it was.

And then suddenly he lashes out and you realise that no, you were not imagining things, you are indeed married to a verbal abuser.

I am tired of suffering in silence. I am tired of not being able to talk about this so today, I started this blog. I am hoping that it will help someone to see that they are not alone and at the same time give me a voice and a record of my thoughts.

I will try and update often, please come back and visit and PLEASE send me your thoughts, suggestions and comments.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. shivers
    Nov 04, 2008 @ 04:38:29

    the thing with verbal abuse is that so many people think it’s only about shouting, yelling and swearing. But it’s not. It’s so much more about invalidating, dismissing, minimising, and put-downs. So many of which are hardly noticeable. And the biggest problem is that that it creeps into your psyche without you even knowing, and next thing you know you’re wondering where the ‘real’ you has really gone. Your self-esteem and confidence is whittled away and you are just a shell of what you used to be. It’s very insidious.

    Reply

  2. Dale
    Nov 04, 2008 @ 07:08:57

    My ex not only abused me verbally, but my (then) 10 year old son, too. He asked Trev if he knew what divorce was. Trev said yes, then ex told him that he would be the cause of ex & I getting divorced. I was horrified!! My son is now 21 & if he ever sees ex, he says he’ll beat him to a pulp, with the help of all his friends – you don’t treat women like that! There’s anger in my son, who is actually a gentle guy. His only aggression is towards that stupid @#$&%^ ex who verbally abused his mom!

    Reply

  3. Val
    Nov 05, 2008 @ 09:18:17

    I have the same problem with my kids. He has done the same to them for years. He has total control over my whole life. He has tracking on my car and pays for petrol. He has control over my finance. He handles my cell phone so he can monitor who I talk to. When I challenge him on these things I get a present. A new car. A printer. A new scrap room and I should be grateful for the fact that he spoils me. All the problems in our marriage are as a result of me and the fact that I am not good enough, in bed, in the kitchen, in the garden or wherever. I dont look good enough , I dont have a good enough body and so the list goes on. I am strong and although he destroyed my self confidence I have slowly gained it back and I realise that these are all his issues. Now when he starts shouting I leave the room and tell him I will come back when he has calmed down. I realise that this is a dangerous game but he has never hit me before and I am hoping that I wont push too hard.

    Reply

  4. Chelle
    Nov 18, 2008 @ 18:57:58

    Suffering in silence hurts so much, it hurts like hell. I have a 3yr old daughter with my boyfriend who is not from my country. In August 2007 we both decided that I should come over to his country with our daughter to be a family. I left my job, family and friends, packed up and am now living in North America with my him. We had a long distance relationship from 2003 and travelled together. Now that I am here living with him, he is nothing like the person he was when we lived at a distance. I have heard him using profanity in my daughters presence which to me is totally unacceptable. He screams, shouts and curse at me even more if I tell him not to swear in front of our daughter, this has happened several times. Before my arrival, he was a bachelor for quite some time and he still insist on living a bachelor life, let me explain. I have caught him several times late at night masturbating to porn, this hurts like hell, considering that we hardly ever have sex and when we do, it last about 2mins. In the past, we both enjoyed sex and eath other but now its a case of me satisfying myself and him masturbating to porn. He doesnt like to hear my opinions or ideas, he shoots them down and tries to cut me short in conversation or raise his voice when he doesnt want to hear what I have to say. He even tries to anticipate what I am going to say next, basically not listening or taking the time to listen to me. He told me he had been in a 8yr relationship in the past but I have since found out from his family member that his ex was terrified of him. I enjoy takng care of the house, preparing meals and making sure our daughter is taken care of, he doesnt participate and he is happy to come home to prepared meals each and everyday. In a previous conversation I brought to his attention the fact that all I show him is respect and I take care of the home, his response was that he didnt ask me to. He is a gamer, which means that he spends hours and hours playing in my opinion stupid video games, I never get into his way of playing and never will because I respect that this is what he enjoys. He however spends little time with his family because of this. Hygiene has now become an issue, he comes home from work some Fridays and doesnt take a shower until Monday morning when he is going back to work again. This means that he stays dirty all weekend, no bath, no brushing of teeth and of course im grossed out and he cant touch me. Im a stay at home mom right now and im supposed to be looking forward to a weekend with him but when he doesnt shower, it just hurts to see him stay dirty and play video games all weekend. He doesnt participate in the day to day care of our daughter, he doesnt feed her, bath her, nothing, all he does is put in the movie she wants to see or he would let her try to play a game, thats it. It doesnt end there, he mixes and consumes alchoholic drinks all evening and night from the time he comes in from work and I now know he smokes weed from time to time. Im basically finding out things about him that I never knew when we lived apart. There are 2 things that he has told me that hurst me to the core. He told me that he doesnt know if he loves me even on the good days and now he tells me that he never wanted a family. He has actually told me this about twice since I have been here. He says that I give him a family that he never wanted. That hurt so much. At no time when we talked before our daughter was born did he ever say that he didnt want any kids, that would have shed an entirely different light on everything. We didnt plan the pregnancy but we were both happy when she was born. He now waits to when she is 3yrs old to say he never wanted a family. No one knows what I am going through right now and on a daily basis. The thing is that I am still in this country on a visitors visa and presently going through the immigration process with him being my sponsor. I dont have any family here and feel trapped and alone right now. I cry myself to sleep most night and Im very depressed. He didnt have an easy childhood and relationship with his mom and I think that all his actions now are a reflection of this fact. There is so much that I want to sit down and talk to him about but because he is verbally abusive, Im afraid to speak out. He dislikes being put on the spot.

    Reply

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