I think I have figured out a pattern…..

Mr Mean has been working hard today, but obviously not at the sort of work he enjoys, because he came home VERY grumpy. He works for himself cleaning windows and gutters, gardening, that sort of thing. From the minute he walked through the door the atmosphere was tense. If you have lived in that sort of environment for any length of time you will know the sort of tension I mean. You walk around as if on nails, hoping that you won’t say or do anything to trigger an outburst. But at the same time you know that the outburst is inevitable, and at least for a while afterwards, things will be calmer.

He actually shouted at me, to shut my mouth. That really shocked me because he had not had an outburst for weeks. I realised in that instant that I am married to an abuser, and chances are he will not change. Today on the phone he yelled and swore at me…so he seems to  be getting worse this week.

I wish he could get angry about a situation without getting angry at me. I always feel somehow responsible for whatever it is that he is angry about- I wonder most times if he even knows what he is angry about. if I ask him, he denies being angry and yet his actions, words, tone of voice and body language betray him as  a liar. He IS angry. He says I am the only person who think this, but he manages to control it around other people. Its only me who bears the brunt of it. He says he can’t help it but he seems to be able to help it around other people, it’s just me that has that effect on him.

His anger is the problem, not me. It has taken me a while to realise this. His unwillingness to learn to communicate is the problem, not me. His refusal to face and deal with past issues is the problem, not me. He is not fun to live with and he admits that, and yet at other times he is a pure delight to be around.

I think I have started to recognise a pattern, which was one of the main reasons for writing this blog. I wanted to get my thoughts in order and hopefully share something along the way with someone who needs it.

It seems that he enjoys working for a few days, he likes coming home to have me fuss over him, he feels like the provider and the good husband. But then the late nights take their toll (he plays on the PS3 a LOT) and he starts waking up grumpy. He grumps around for a few days until I start to feel so guilty that I suggest he take some time off.  So basically, I reward him for terrible bahaviour. Except this week, we are way behind in the rent and he HAS to work. In the past, the more moody, grumpy and shocking his behaviour became, the more I would reward him by giving him time off so that I could get some peace and quiet….but at what cost to me?

I refuse to cut him any slack until he has paid for his $1000 in speeding fines, $6000 in car accident payments, $300 for a lost passport…….and the list goes on.

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7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. shivers
    Nov 04, 2008 @ 04:31:35

    sounds to me like you’ve got yourself a verbal and financial abuser who’s an anger addict. He’s not searching for a partnership that has equality, he’s using power and control tactics to scare you into submission to get what he wants. And it’s working, by all accounts. So what if you suggest he has some days off from work, what are you, his keeper? I think not. Take this responsibility off your shoulders, he doesn’t have days off because you LET him, he has days off coz he’s damned lazy and he’s bludging off you! And the way he justifies his tiredness and lack of motivation to work is to act really badly until you suggest he has a ‘sleep-in’, and then guess what? It’s all your fault that there’s not enough money coming in the house, I mean after all, according to him, you told him not to work coz he was too grumpy. It’s a viscious cycle, one that you can never be a winner in. It’s lose-lose for you, I’m afraid.

    Reply

  2. Val
    Nov 05, 2008 @ 09:11:39

    I agree with all of the above … so is the answer to get out. My problem is that I supported him for so many years in my marriage that I dont have any qualifications or job experience any more. How would I support myself in a place where I have no where to go. And I mean no where. I have had all of this with my husband. He says one thing then changes the goal posts and I have come to the conclusion that it does not matter what I do or how hard I try it is NEVER going to be good enough. It has taken me 32 years to realise that I am not the problem here.

    Reply

  3. married2mrmean
    Nov 05, 2008 @ 09:16:19

    Val, if there is no way for you to get out and you don’t necessarily feel that your life is in danger, then all I can suggest is that you fill your life with other things that inspire and motivate you to keep going each day. Try a new hobby, join a support group or some sort of social club, go to a craft group at church, there are lots of ways you can open yourself to new experiences and new people that will fill your life with richness and boost your self-esteem.

    Reply

  4. shivers
    Nov 05, 2008 @ 13:03:34

    Great idea m2mm, I lived with an abuser for 5 years, I got involved very heavily in my own home business, dissolved myself into it so that I didn’t have to pay him any attention in the evenings. But in the end, it’s no way to live. They still creep in slyly one way or another. I, too, thought I’d never do it on my own, especially with a pre-schooler child, but I did do it, almost 12 months ago now, and it’s one of the best things I’ve ever done (other than give up smoking, I guess). It was hard for me after 5 years, I can only imagine how scary it must be to contemplate it after 32 years! Goodness, you deserve a gold medal – or well, about 100 of ’em I guess.

    Reply

  5. silvermistyrain
    Jun 28, 2009 @ 18:07:32

    I’m interested to know if he is physically abusive as well as verbally… I live in a verbally abusive marriage and you’re words rang true with me as well…

    Reply

    • married2mrmean
      Jun 28, 2009 @ 22:21:52

      He was never physical- well, not to me anyway.
      He did kick the cat a few times, and broke things, slammed doors etc. That was terrifying though because I knew he had the anger in him, and knew he was capable of hitting me, but he always seemed very proud of the fact that he didn’t, like it was something I should be greateful for.
      I will update my blog soon and let you know what has happened since.
      *Hugs*

      Reply

  6. spicie69
    Sep 19, 2010 @ 05:00:27

    ‘I lived with an abuser for 5 years, I got involved very heavily in my own home business, dissolved myself into it so that I didn’t have to pay him any attention in the evenings. But in the end, it’s no way to live. They still creep in slyly one way or another.’

    so true. l just left after 16 years of marriage which had turned into an exhausting pattern of emotional abuse. Never verbal or physical, unless you count lots of grumpy moods, huffing and puffing about how unfair his lot in life was, and loving that everyone kept asking him ‘what’s wrong’. lt was the most uttered phrase in our house, even the kids are doing it now, and it breaks my heart. Life isn’t meant to be like this. lt wasn’t till l found someone who doesn’t emotionally abuse that l realised how bad it had been.

    Reply

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