My Poem

I have not written any poetry for a few years and today I was sitting thinking, while I was in my room and he was in his, I suddenly realised that he has created his childhood home in this house. He grew up with a violent, angry father and the poem speaks for itself hopefully.

5 Cotton Lane
is a house of pain
Noone knows who you are
they barely know your name
Secrets are hidden
Behind a closed door
but the pain seeps up
through the walls and the floor
Noone talks about things that matter
they just meet in the kitchen
for a tea and a chatter
Noone touches, don’t come near
you may smell my anger
you might sense my fear
The big bad wolf
still knocks at the door
his spirit lingers
though he is no more
I bet he’s proud of his life
fucked up kids
and a screwed up wife
No equipment to pull them out
noone to hear them
over the screams and shouts
so they all start yelling
as loud as they can
to be heard they turned angry
every woman every man
And they went on their way
not knowing what was wrong
into a world 
where they did not belong
Each one went out
and slowly became
their very own monster
in their own Cotton Lane

TADA!

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A good day…….

I woke up this morning and decided that whilst I can’t change his anger or his bahaviour, I can change my environment and the way I live in it. So I had a HUGE clean out of my craft room, decided to have a garage sale next week, and focussed on the job at hand.

I cleaned out cupboards and drawers, sorted stuff to sell, stuff to keep, and tidied everything. It felt so good to get rid of stuff that has been gathering for ages. I am not a huge hoarder at the best of times, but there was stuff in there that had not seen the light of day for months lol. I then went on to do the same in my part of the house.

I firmly believe that nothing new can come into your life while you are hanging on to old things. I felt really empowered, stronger somehow, because it felt like I had taken control of my area of the house. 

And I have come up with the BEST defence…it’s just the BEST. Everytime he starts to raise his voice at me I sing a made up song about how happy happy happy i am to be in my nice clean room and how happy happy happy I am to be alive- he can’t STAND it, he has to leave the room LOL. Every time he raises his voice I start to sing and drown him out and eventually I just end up laughing at how ridiculous he is.

It’s been a good day 🙂

The past week or so…

In a word….HELL!

He came to his senses for a few days, admitted that everything I had said was right (although there is never really an apology, just admitting that I am right). He even broke down and cried about his past, he remembered some things from his childhood and he finally accepted that he might need help.

So he went to the doctor and got some anti-depressants, and for the first night I thought it was a miracle cure. He came home smiling and even sat with me and did craft! He got an early night and woke up the next day early and in a good mood.

The last night he came home and sat down to have dinner. I received a phone call from a customer asking me to help them with something. He interrupted me, made me put her on hold and spent 3 minutes trying to tell me what to say to her. I went back to my call, ignored what he said and finished the call. He totally TOTALLY went off at me because I did not take his advice. I explained that I did not ask for his advice so did not feel the need to accept it. He went off even more.

I waited a while and then went to try to talk to him, to remind him of the time my cousin’s wife came to stay. I had received a letter from my insurance company about some business insurance stuff. As I was reading I made some comment and she asked what the letter was about. I wanted to tell her to mind her own business, but I told her it was from my insurance. She started telling me hopw to run my business. I started to tell her that I didn;t actually need her help, I had it all under control- she went off accusing ME of being controlling because I wouldn’t do what SHE wanted for my business.

Mr Mean could not see an relevant comparison. After all…I have asked him to communicate more and then when he tries, I don’t listen. That was his justification for the whole telephone thing.

And then this moring he woke up and acted as if nothing had happened.

At this stage we are living in seperate rooms. He has told me once again that he wants to get help for himself but is not sure that he wants to be married. he has also told me to start dating again and I am thinking about it……

And when I questioned  him about our vows and all his promises, he told me that I didn’t mean it because I have promised things to other men. In that one second he took the past 5 years of being totally devoted, loyal, supportive and loving towards it, wrapped it in dog poo, stomped on it, spat on it, ripped it into pieces and rubbed it back in the dirt. Patricia Evans talks about minimisation and that was the worst case of minimisation I have ever personally experienced. See- at least I am learning something!

So in the meantime I am going to give his medication about a month and see if that changes anything. I somehow doubt it will though!

I hope everyone else out there is feeling strong today.

ARGH!

I tried to think of a subject for this post for ages, and all i could do was scream silently, so that’s what i called it!

We have apparantly seperated.  He has moved into my son’s old bedroom, and taken his play-station, TV etc with him. He told me that he does not love me anymore but he does not have anywhere else to go (his family does not live locally). I actually can’t afford to leave him either, since he has created so much debt. He got driver’s license and within 6 months had accumulated $1000 worth of speeding and red camera fines and lost his license. That was after spending $1000 on the lessons for his to get the license!

He has had two car accidents which have cost us $3000 EACH! He has made some really stupid decisions just because he believed that something should be a certain way. For example, he had a car accident, believed that he was in the right (which he wasn’t) and believed that the owner of the other car should have seen that, so he gave the guy his details and left the accident, didn’t bother to go to the police station, and of course that was seen as his admission of guilt so he was lumped with the entire repair bill. ARGH!

So I told him tonight that he can move into the spare room, I will work out a really strict plan for us to get all the bills paid off, and once the bills are paid then we will be free to go our seperate ways.

The thing is…I don’t believe him.

Because when he is being Mr Nice, he always tells me how he feels so bad when he says things like that because he is only saying them to be mean and he would never leave me etc etc……so it gets really hard to know who to believe anymore. I am at the stage where I know he won’t physically harm me so I don’t feel unsafe at all, but if he left I don’t think I would be devastated either. So I am doing what so many wives do I guess…and just waiting to see what happens.

The other thing he does is he always chooses REALLY big days for me to throw his tantrums. Tomorrow is a big day for me. I am putting on an all-day function with some of my friends and I need to be at my best, and of course he KNOWS that when he throws a fit, I am absolutely not at my best. He knows that tomorrow is an important day for me and yet he chooses to tell me this stuff tonight….he is either really really stupid, or he is doing it on purpose. That thought is almost too must to bear.

At least I am not short of things to write about! I still have not got to the lack of respect for personal space and privacy. I also want to write about how this affects me….today I got in the car and as soon as I put my hands on the steering wheel I felt like I was going to ahve a panic attack- and i don’t get them!

I will save that for another day.

*hugs* everyone and thanks so much for your comments, they mean a lot!

And then there was peace……..

Yesterday he woke up, as if nothing had happened.

You could almost swear that a new man moved in overnight. He called me all his little pet names for me, tried to act as sweet as pie and did everything he could to be a model husband…everything that is, except apologise for telling me to Shut my Mouth, F&*! Off and Get F&%$!d. None of the cups of tea in the world can erase the fact that he snaps at me for no reason whenever he wants to.

Washing the dishes is not the same as an apology, doing nice things is not an admission of guilt.
Saying something like:

“I did the wrong thing, I acted in a very immature way and I am really sorry…what can I do to make it up to you?”

THAT is an apology. I don’t think Ihave ever got one like that from him. Usually, if I point out a problem, I get attacked for pointing out the problem and making him feel bad, and the problem never gets dealt with.

Someone commented that he is an anger addict and I totally agree. The anger builds and builds and after a few days or weeks, depending on the external pressure, he HAS to let it out. When he is calm and in a peaceful place he admits that he has nothing to be angry about, he admits that he doesn’t handle things properly, he knows that it is his attitude and actions that shape the atmosphere in the house- but when it comes to the crunch, when he feels himself about to lolse it, he does nothing to stop himself. So no matter what he says, he always gives in to the anger.

You don’t learn anything about a person’s character when things are going well for them. Anyone can be happy and pleasant and hold it together when things are going their way. Everyone is pleasant when things are exactly the way they want. But when things go a bit awry, that is when you truly learn about someone’s character. When things go wrong, can they make the necessary adjustments to their plans and schedule with falling apart, without snapping, without raising their voice. If they can’t then nothing they do during the good times should matter, you are who you are when times are difficult.”

And yet he loses his cool, snaps and freaks out, stomps around, huffs and puffs and then as soon as he has it out of his system he feels somehow released. And then because he has forgotten it, I have to forget it too. Just because he does not want to be reminded of it, I have to get over it. If I bring it up- I am making mountains out of molehills.

But every time yesterday he called me one of his pet names, I heard him yelling at me to shut my mouth. It’s almost like he is wearing a mask over his real face and I am starting to see that it is JUST a mask.

The dismissal…..

I HATE it when I am in the middle of telling him something about my day and he will just say “Ok that’s fine”, and that will be the end of the conversation. If I act as horrified as I feel and try to tell him how unbelievably controlling that is of him, his answer is:

“But I know what you were going to say and I did not need to hear it.”

You couldn’t make this stuff up! And that, believe it or not, will be the end of the conversation. I am left feeling teary, weepy and totally deflated. I used to think I was just over-reacting but the longer it goes on, the more I KNOW I am not going mad. That is the main reason I have started this blog, so that I have a record of these thoughts and facts to look back on, a record that is not kept locally on my hard-drive. I feel a lot stronger since I started writing this blog, and I intend to share some of my poetry too, as soon as I write some!

Oh and if you are worried about him finding out about this blog- I update when he is at work, and there is no record of it kept anywhere on my hard-drive. So he can’t find anything if he goes snooping….

Which will be the subject of my next post- his total disregard for my personal space or privacy……

I think I have figured out a pattern…..

Mr Mean has been working hard today, but obviously not at the sort of work he enjoys, because he came home VERY grumpy. He works for himself cleaning windows and gutters, gardening, that sort of thing. From the minute he walked through the door the atmosphere was tense. If you have lived in that sort of environment for any length of time you will know the sort of tension I mean. You walk around as if on nails, hoping that you won’t say or do anything to trigger an outburst. But at the same time you know that the outburst is inevitable, and at least for a while afterwards, things will be calmer.

He actually shouted at me, to shut my mouth. That really shocked me because he had not had an outburst for weeks. I realised in that instant that I am married to an abuser, and chances are he will not change. Today on the phone he yelled and swore at me…so he seems to  be getting worse this week.

I wish he could get angry about a situation without getting angry at me. I always feel somehow responsible for whatever it is that he is angry about- I wonder most times if he even knows what he is angry about. if I ask him, he denies being angry and yet his actions, words, tone of voice and body language betray him as  a liar. He IS angry. He says I am the only person who think this, but he manages to control it around other people. Its only me who bears the brunt of it. He says he can’t help it but he seems to be able to help it around other people, it’s just me that has that effect on him.

His anger is the problem, not me. It has taken me a while to realise this. His unwillingness to learn to communicate is the problem, not me. His refusal to face and deal with past issues is the problem, not me. He is not fun to live with and he admits that, and yet at other times he is a pure delight to be around.

I think I have started to recognise a pattern, which was one of the main reasons for writing this blog. I wanted to get my thoughts in order and hopefully share something along the way with someone who needs it.

It seems that he enjoys working for a few days, he likes coming home to have me fuss over him, he feels like the provider and the good husband. But then the late nights take their toll (he plays on the PS3 a LOT) and he starts waking up grumpy. He grumps around for a few days until I start to feel so guilty that I suggest he take some time off.  So basically, I reward him for terrible bahaviour. Except this week, we are way behind in the rent and he HAS to work. In the past, the more moody, grumpy and shocking his behaviour became, the more I would reward him by giving him time off so that I could get some peace and quiet….but at what cost to me?

I refuse to cut him any slack until he has paid for his $1000 in speeding fines, $6000 in car accident payments, $300 for a lost passport…….and the list goes on.

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